A vignette in words
May. 22nd, 2005 12:33 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
plonqSometimes the inspiration for a silly little storylet comes from the strangest sources.
Here's a quick little dialogue vignette that I tossed together this afternoon in response to a post on usenet.
PlanetFur <planetfur@nospam-planetfur.com> wrote in
news:d6nl5l$1fka$1@urocyon.critter.net:
> Path:
> news.critter.net!news.tigress.com!news.furhome.net!toolnine.argh.or
> g!tiscali!newsfeed1.ip.tiscali.net!newsfeed00.sul.t-online.de!newsm
> m00.sul.t-online.de!t-online.de!news.t-online.com!not-for-mail
> From: Ruediger <ruediger.leibrandt@gmx.de> Newsgroups:
> alt.fan.furry Subject: Thee hear, thee help? searching for furry
> stories Date: Sat, 21 May 2005 17:42:47 +0200
> Organization: T-Online
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> Xref: news.critter.net alt.fan.furry:256901
>
> Hiyas!
>
> M'ladies, m'sires,
> Furry and Smooth,
> small and large ones, all the same,
> hear my pleading, help me please.
>
> It came to my awareness that this place might be one of
> the best to ask for help on a subject touching my heart. Thee
> hear: I am reading a lot, a rich, whole lot.
> Human Memoirs, Godsend, Light, Borderlines...
> Pitily 'm running out of stories , and though I whish myself to
> write along, create more little diamonds like those stories I
> found in the net, I do not have the time for that - yet. So I
> wouldest dearly ask your help, oh all of you, be ye furred or
> scale, like I am, to help track down more marvellous precious
> diamonds to read and dream about.
>
> Input, suggestions, help - all is welcome - and in case someone
> knows about a Furcadia-Client or a Freeciv-Client for Symbian
> based Smartphones - that would be welcome as well.
You can find a little archived of worthless furry slash fiction at:
http://www.plonq.com/
Here's one that you won't find on that site, though.
---
It was a dark and stormy night. There was wind. And rain. And stuff. Occasionally the stygian gloom of the storm would be rent by a blaze of lightning, punctuated by the staccato roll of thunder. Suddenly the rain parted like a curtain to reveal a figure in white, riding on a Harley like a night riding out of the storm.
A moment later the scene was disrupted by a giant red pen, which wrote a "k" in front of the word "night".
"You need a K in front of this one," said Plonq, tapping the word with the tip of his red marker. Giblet, who had been reading over his shoulder, leaned forward for a closer look.
"What do you mean? Now it says KUHnight. What kind of word is that? I've never heard of a kuhnight. I think you're making that up." His voice took on an accusing whine. "I don't think you like my story, and you're just trying to make me look bad. People are going to read this..."
"No they aren't," said the snow leopard tartly, but the otter ignored him.
"... and they're going to say, 'what the heck is a kuhnight? What was that otter smoking?'"
"It's pronounced the same as night. The k is silent," said the feline with an affected air of longsuffering. "Knight and night are homophones." There was a moment of silence while Giblet digested this new information.
"That's got to be one of the gayest terms around," he said. "Isn't that the name of one of those gay, singles chat lines?"
"No," snarled the snow leopard. "It means... well, now that you mention it I think I DID see an ad for one by that name. Stop changing the subject. A homophone is a word that sounds the same as another word but is spelled differently."
"You mean like snow leopard and anal retentive?" said the otter innocently. "Oh wait, that's a synonym. Geez, lighten up. I know what a homophone is, I was just trying to make a funny. I don't think most of my readers are going to know the difference anyway." He crossed his arms defiantly. "And so what if I spelled a word wrong here or there? I didn't want you to pour over every bit of spelling and grammar, I just want you to spot any gaping plot holes that need filling."
"I don't think that I'll find many holes in this story that need filling," said Plonq primly. "From what I saw in scanning this bit of slash fiction, there's no hole left unfilled." The cat used the tip of his red pen to gently lift the corner of one page. "Note that I've been tactful enough so far not to ask why the paper is slightly sticky," he added, wrinkling his nose slightly in annoyance.
"Mountain Dew," said the otter flatly. "And what's with this 'slash fiction' remark? You don't hear me deriding your stories like that. How do you get off calling my story slash?" Plonq sighed.
"Giblet, I scanned through the pages when you first handed it to me," he said. "Without even delving into the elements of the alleged plot, I spotted a number of names including Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy, Darth Maul, Spike, and Mister Spock. You don't include all those names in a story unless you are writing slash."
"People like celebrity," said Giblet. "Okay, I'll admit that there are a few sex scenes in the story," he added defensively, "but they're used strictly to advance the plot. You're condemning my story without actually reading it. This is a sweeping, character-driven work chronicling man's struggle against..."
"Virginity?"
"There you go again," accused the otter. "You're deriding an unread work. You were the same way with Gigli. You've never even seen the movie, but you badmouth it at every opportunity. I'll have you know that the movie drives me to tears at each viewing."
"It drives others to suicide," said Plonq flatly. "Sometimes you don't have to view past the trailer to know that a movie is bad." He tapped the pile of pages on the desk. "And you don't have to read a whole manuscript to know that a story is slash. Allow me to illustrate." He held a hand across his eyes and began rifling through the pages on the table in front of him. "I am selecting a page and paragraph at random," he said. He grabbed the pages about midway down the stack and flipped them to one side, then he stabbed the facing sheet with the claw of his index finger. "Now please read from the point where my claw is touching."
The otter cleared his throat and began to read aloud. "Come on big boy, all the way in," he said. "Harder! Push! On the count of three. I know it's tight, but you can do it! One. Two. Three. Push! Again! Harder...!" His voiced faded out, then returned with an edge if indignation. "Okay, I can see how this would sound if it was taken out of context, but they're putting a body into the trunk of a car!" Plonq uncovered his eyes and read the passage.
"So the are," he admitted, "and then in the next paragraph they're having sex on top of the body." He paused as he read more. "And WITH the body. Man, this stuff is just SICK."
"They're just relieving the tension of the moment," said the otter unconvincingly. "It's a common, though admittedly hackneyed response to stress in a plot."
"Giblet," said Plonq, turning to clasp a hand on the otter's shoulder, "I just want to tell you this as a friend. Please don't take it the wrong way but this story sucks." He waved a hand over offending work and continued. "This isn't even a story in the real sense of the word. It's just a bunch of scenes with borrowed characters looking for excuses to shed their clothes and matt their fur with spooge." The otter looked genuinely hurt.
"You just don't understand my art," he said sourly. "The written word is a subjective medium that you can't just quantify with words like 'slash' or 'spoogefest'. You're stifling my free expression with your objective pigeonholes."
"It's not art," said the cat, "It's slash that borders on pornography. No, I take that back - 'borders on' is an understatement. A story should have plot and conflict. The closest thing you have to a conflict in this story is somebody's belt buckle getting stuck in the heat of passion." His voice took on a more placating tone. "There's nothing wrong with a bit of raw humping in a story, but you need plot too. What motivates the people in the story?"
"Lust!"
"Besides lust! Take this passage for example." He began to read aloud.
Suddenly Darth Mall...
The red pen returned, turning the first "l" to a "u". "Did you even PROOF this thing?"
Suddenly Darth Maul entered the room where Harry was tied to the bed.
"Looks like somebody's been a bad little wizard boy," he said with a sneer. "Draco, put away the your wand, it's time to teach young mister potter a lesson in the dark side."
"Please sir, are you going to spank me again?" pleaded Harry. "With the belt this time?"
"No," said Darth Maul as he fumbled with his zipper. "This time I think it calls for my big, red light-sabre."
"Oh, I LIKE this scene," enthused Giblet, interrupting the narrative. "This is where Spock intercedes, and gives out Vulcan love pinches all around and they learn about interspecies cooperation and harmony."
"If by 'interspecies cooperation and harmony' you mean 'menage a trois' then I suppose that's a fair assessment," said Plonq.
"Actually there's four of them," said Giblet with a hint of smug triumph in his voice. "I'm just giving the readers what they want. I didn't ask you to LIKE this story, I just asked you to proof it." The snow leopard sighed.
"I know," he said, "but I hate to see you waste your writing talent on a mindless thrust-fest like this. I'm sure that it might almost have been a good story if you'd just added some conflict and plot."
"It's got plot!" said Giblet. "Doesn't it?"
"You should pick up a real book sometime and look at what elements constitute a good plot." He eyed the otter sceptically. "Have you ever actually read a classic by somebody like Melville?"
"Chuck?"
"HERMAN!" yowled the cat indignantly. "I'll take that as a NO."
"Fine," snapped the otter. "You don't have to get all pissy about it. I'll go read this so-called classic of yours. Pray tell, what did this HERMAN Melville write that an unworthy slash writer like myself could learn from?"
"Moby Dick," said Plonq, an instant before he realized his mistake.
Hilarity ensued.
Here's a quick little dialogue vignette that I tossed together this afternoon in response to a post on usenet.
PlanetFur <planetfur@nospam-planetfur.com> wrote in
news:d6nl5l$1fka$1@urocyon.critter.net:
> Path:
> news.critter.net!news.tigress.com!news.furhome.net!toolnine.argh.or
> g!tiscali!newsfeed1.ip.tiscali.net!newsfeed00.sul.t-online.de!newsm
> m00.sul.t-online.de!t-online.de!news.t-online.com!not-for-mail
> From: Ruediger <ruediger.leibrandt@gmx.de> Newsgroups:
> alt.fan.furry Subject: Thee hear, thee help? searching for furry
> stories Date: Sat, 21 May 2005 17:42:47 +0200
> Organization: T-Online
> Lines: 25
> Message-ID: <d6nktn$h8n$00$1@news.t-online.com>
> Reply-To: ruediger.leibrandt@gmx.de
> Mime-Version: 1.0
> Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii
> Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7Bit
> X-Trace: news.t-online.com 1116690167 00 17687 nugxrdRvpB3bSIaJ
> 050521 15:42:47 X-Complaints-To: usenet-abuse@t-online.de
> X-ID: GWiR7oZEretFzUsPR0P0wCeiYVP+SitpxSABWMdxF9MAFphUYEhoUe
> User-Agent: KNode/0.8.2
> Xref: news.critter.net alt.fan.furry:256901
>
> Hiyas!
>
> M'ladies, m'sires,
> Furry and Smooth,
> small and large ones, all the same,
> hear my pleading, help me please.
>
> It came to my awareness that this place might be one of
> the best to ask for help on a subject touching my heart. Thee
> hear: I am reading a lot, a rich, whole lot.
> Human Memoirs, Godsend, Light, Borderlines...
> Pitily 'm running out of stories , and though I whish myself to
> write along, create more little diamonds like those stories I
> found in the net, I do not have the time for that - yet. So I
> wouldest dearly ask your help, oh all of you, be ye furred or
> scale, like I am, to help track down more marvellous precious
> diamonds to read and dream about.
>
> Input, suggestions, help - all is welcome - and in case someone
> knows about a Furcadia-Client or a Freeciv-Client for Symbian
> based Smartphones - that would be welcome as well.
You can find a little archived of worthless furry slash fiction at:
http://www.plonq.com/
Here's one that you won't find on that site, though.
---
It was a dark and stormy night. There was wind. And rain. And stuff. Occasionally the stygian gloom of the storm would be rent by a blaze of lightning, punctuated by the staccato roll of thunder. Suddenly the rain parted like a curtain to reveal a figure in white, riding on a Harley like a night riding out of the storm.
A moment later the scene was disrupted by a giant red pen, which wrote a "k" in front of the word "night".
"You need a K in front of this one," said Plonq, tapping the word with the tip of his red marker. Giblet, who had been reading over his shoulder, leaned forward for a closer look.
"What do you mean? Now it says KUHnight. What kind of word is that? I've never heard of a kuhnight. I think you're making that up." His voice took on an accusing whine. "I don't think you like my story, and you're just trying to make me look bad. People are going to read this..."
"No they aren't," said the snow leopard tartly, but the otter ignored him.
"... and they're going to say, 'what the heck is a kuhnight? What was that otter smoking?'"
"It's pronounced the same as night. The k is silent," said the feline with an affected air of longsuffering. "Knight and night are homophones." There was a moment of silence while Giblet digested this new information.
"That's got to be one of the gayest terms around," he said. "Isn't that the name of one of those gay, singles chat lines?"
"No," snarled the snow leopard. "It means... well, now that you mention it I think I DID see an ad for one by that name. Stop changing the subject. A homophone is a word that sounds the same as another word but is spelled differently."
"You mean like snow leopard and anal retentive?" said the otter innocently. "Oh wait, that's a synonym. Geez, lighten up. I know what a homophone is, I was just trying to make a funny. I don't think most of my readers are going to know the difference anyway." He crossed his arms defiantly. "And so what if I spelled a word wrong here or there? I didn't want you to pour over every bit of spelling and grammar, I just want you to spot any gaping plot holes that need filling."
"I don't think that I'll find many holes in this story that need filling," said Plonq primly. "From what I saw in scanning this bit of slash fiction, there's no hole left unfilled." The cat used the tip of his red pen to gently lift the corner of one page. "Note that I've been tactful enough so far not to ask why the paper is slightly sticky," he added, wrinkling his nose slightly in annoyance.
"Mountain Dew," said the otter flatly. "And what's with this 'slash fiction' remark? You don't hear me deriding your stories like that. How do you get off calling my story slash?" Plonq sighed.
"Giblet, I scanned through the pages when you first handed it to me," he said. "Without even delving into the elements of the alleged plot, I spotted a number of names including Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy, Darth Maul, Spike, and Mister Spock. You don't include all those names in a story unless you are writing slash."
"People like celebrity," said Giblet. "Okay, I'll admit that there are a few sex scenes in the story," he added defensively, "but they're used strictly to advance the plot. You're condemning my story without actually reading it. This is a sweeping, character-driven work chronicling man's struggle against..."
"Virginity?"
"There you go again," accused the otter. "You're deriding an unread work. You were the same way with Gigli. You've never even seen the movie, but you badmouth it at every opportunity. I'll have you know that the movie drives me to tears at each viewing."
"It drives others to suicide," said Plonq flatly. "Sometimes you don't have to view past the trailer to know that a movie is bad." He tapped the pile of pages on the desk. "And you don't have to read a whole manuscript to know that a story is slash. Allow me to illustrate." He held a hand across his eyes and began rifling through the pages on the table in front of him. "I am selecting a page and paragraph at random," he said. He grabbed the pages about midway down the stack and flipped them to one side, then he stabbed the facing sheet with the claw of his index finger. "Now please read from the point where my claw is touching."
The otter cleared his throat and began to read aloud. "Come on big boy, all the way in," he said. "Harder! Push! On the count of three. I know it's tight, but you can do it! One. Two. Three. Push! Again! Harder...!" His voiced faded out, then returned with an edge if indignation. "Okay, I can see how this would sound if it was taken out of context, but they're putting a body into the trunk of a car!" Plonq uncovered his eyes and read the passage.
"So the are," he admitted, "and then in the next paragraph they're having sex on top of the body." He paused as he read more. "And WITH the body. Man, this stuff is just SICK."
"They're just relieving the tension of the moment," said the otter unconvincingly. "It's a common, though admittedly hackneyed response to stress in a plot."
"Giblet," said Plonq, turning to clasp a hand on the otter's shoulder, "I just want to tell you this as a friend. Please don't take it the wrong way but this story sucks." He waved a hand over offending work and continued. "This isn't even a story in the real sense of the word. It's just a bunch of scenes with borrowed characters looking for excuses to shed their clothes and matt their fur with spooge." The otter looked genuinely hurt.
"You just don't understand my art," he said sourly. "The written word is a subjective medium that you can't just quantify with words like 'slash' or 'spoogefest'. You're stifling my free expression with your objective pigeonholes."
"It's not art," said the cat, "It's slash that borders on pornography. No, I take that back - 'borders on' is an understatement. A story should have plot and conflict. The closest thing you have to a conflict in this story is somebody's belt buckle getting stuck in the heat of passion." His voice took on a more placating tone. "There's nothing wrong with a bit of raw humping in a story, but you need plot too. What motivates the people in the story?"
"Lust!"
"Besides lust! Take this passage for example." He began to read aloud.
Suddenly Darth Mall...
The red pen returned, turning the first "l" to a "u". "Did you even PROOF this thing?"
Suddenly Darth Maul entered the room where Harry was tied to the bed.
"Looks like somebody's been a bad little wizard boy," he said with a sneer. "Draco, put away the your wand, it's time to teach young mister potter a lesson in the dark side."
"Please sir, are you going to spank me again?" pleaded Harry. "With the belt this time?"
"No," said Darth Maul as he fumbled with his zipper. "This time I think it calls for my big, red light-sabre."
"Oh, I LIKE this scene," enthused Giblet, interrupting the narrative. "This is where Spock intercedes, and gives out Vulcan love pinches all around and they learn about interspecies cooperation and harmony."
"If by 'interspecies cooperation and harmony' you mean 'menage a trois' then I suppose that's a fair assessment," said Plonq.
"Actually there's four of them," said Giblet with a hint of smug triumph in his voice. "I'm just giving the readers what they want. I didn't ask you to LIKE this story, I just asked you to proof it." The snow leopard sighed.
"I know," he said, "but I hate to see you waste your writing talent on a mindless thrust-fest like this. I'm sure that it might almost have been a good story if you'd just added some conflict and plot."
"It's got plot!" said Giblet. "Doesn't it?"
"You should pick up a real book sometime and look at what elements constitute a good plot." He eyed the otter sceptically. "Have you ever actually read a classic by somebody like Melville?"
"Chuck?"
"HERMAN!" yowled the cat indignantly. "I'll take that as a NO."
"Fine," snapped the otter. "You don't have to get all pissy about it. I'll go read this so-called classic of yours. Pray tell, what did this HERMAN Melville write that an unworthy slash writer like myself could learn from?"
"Moby Dick," said Plonq, an instant before he realized his mistake.
Hilarity ensued.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-05-22 06:32 am (UTC)Giblet's story sounds almost as bad as some of those you can find at Yiffstar...
Anyway, while the bloke has good taste in Phones, he certainly doesn't know where the good stuff is...
(Except for Greg Howell's stuff, that is)
www.sahaaran.com
www.nas-kan.org
www.raccoons-bookshelf.com
www.chrisfoxx.com
www.zzstudios.com
www.ic-stories.com
www.planetfurry.com/forums
(Check the links to the sites, and also the 'Writers Guild' section where there's a 'The Longest Furry Story Series' topic)
Unfortunately, I don't have news, so...
no subject
Date: 2005-05-22 06:41 am (UTC)Seriously, you have a wonderful writing ability. If only you were bolder, I can see your stuff in print. You and Shockwave, both.
no subject
Date: 2005-05-22 06:50 am (UTC)The printing I can handle myself...
(I have a 16P/minute Laser at home)
no subject
Date: 2005-05-22 07:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-05-22 10:29 am (UTC)