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Feb. 1st, 2006 08:20 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
plonqYou may have noticed that the Winnipeg contingent has been remarkably quiet about the weather so far this year. The truth is, there hasn't been much to talk about lately. Whereas you'd normally be hearing us say things like, "Great Zeus! It was so cold out there this morning that nitrogen was condensing out of the atmosphere!", this year we've actually broken our January record for the warmest average temperature. We didn't just break the record, we shattered it by several degrees.
If the weather patterns hold, though, then we may pay for it this spring and summer. To some extent this winter helps to make up for last "summer", but the weather office was hinting this morning that we could see a repeat this year.
I think I may have missed my calling in advertising. No, really. I'm not convinced that I would be particularly good, but the more time I spend listening to morning radio, the more certain I am that I could write and deliver better advertisements than the squirmingly-bad ones they keep playing. The ads typically fall into one of three categories (none of which, fortunately, is a screaming car dealership): 1) "spontaneous" family/friend banter, 2) Slightly monotone "I'm reading this from a script", and 3) Overly sing-song "I'm reading this from a script".
A typical type 1 ad sounds something like this (delivered a bit more sing-song than is natural):
First Wooden Actor: Hello long-time friend who I am meeting for coffee or something. Well I just sloughed off another pound of dried, dead skin. I don't understand it Second Wooden Actor, how do you manage to keep looking so fresh and hydrated? I've tried everything, from sucking the sweat out of my own armpits to feasting on the blood of the innocent.
Seconds Wooden Actor: I used to be just like you, then I called the Bong Water company. One of their friendly, courteous drivers delivers a fresh globe of tasty, crystal-meth-clear Bong Water to our office every morning now, and I've never felt better.
FWA: Gosh, such an obvious answer never occurred to me. The thought of drinking tap water is conceptually foreign to me so tell me more about this Bong Water company.
SWA: It's just like tap water, but it comes in a globule and they deliver it to your office. Sure, dollar for dollar it costs more than the blood of the innocent, but unlike tap water it doesn't pollute your precious bodily fluids with fluoride.
FWA: Golly, I'm going to call Bong Water Company today!
SWA: You'll be glad you did!
Or there is the father/daughter/son/monkey variety.
Father: Boy howdy, do we ever have a lot of surplus harpsichords down here at J.J.McLoser's Erotic Piano Emporium. I've got a splendid idea! Hand me that puppy, I'm going to put a gun to its head and kill it if we don't move twenty of these quality harpsichords in the next fifteen minutes.
Daughter: That's fucking lame, dad. I hope you get cancer and die so that I don't have to do these ads with you any more.
Father: That's my girl! Now get your asses down to J.J.McLoser's Erotic Piano Emporium or this puppy eats lead!.
Ads of the second and third type are depressingly similar. Read the following in a monotone, then read it again in an annoying sing-song voice to get a sample of both types (they don't actually say the italicized bits, but you can HEAR it):
Because there has been so much demand on the blood of the innocent lately COMMA there has never been a greater need for plasma donors PERIOD Donating plasma has never been more painless or easy COMMA thanks to modern developments in plasma extraction technology that allows a qualified technician to squeeze out plasma through the pores in your arms PERIOD Please visit a plasma centre near you COMMA PAGE FLIP where a friendly and competent Plasma Extraction Technician will gladly walk you through the safe COMMA relatively painless COMMA and easy process PERIOD Book your appointment today PERIOD Remember COMMA you can make a difference EXCLAMATION MARK
If the weather patterns hold, though, then we may pay for it this spring and summer. To some extent this winter helps to make up for last "summer", but the weather office was hinting this morning that we could see a repeat this year.
I think I may have missed my calling in advertising. No, really. I'm not convinced that I would be particularly good, but the more time I spend listening to morning radio, the more certain I am that I could write and deliver better advertisements than the squirmingly-bad ones they keep playing. The ads typically fall into one of three categories (none of which, fortunately, is a screaming car dealership): 1) "spontaneous" family/friend banter, 2) Slightly monotone "I'm reading this from a script", and 3) Overly sing-song "I'm reading this from a script".
A typical type 1 ad sounds something like this (delivered a bit more sing-song than is natural):
First Wooden Actor: Hello long-time friend who I am meeting for coffee or something. Well I just sloughed off another pound of dried, dead skin. I don't understand it Second Wooden Actor, how do you manage to keep looking so fresh and hydrated? I've tried everything, from sucking the sweat out of my own armpits to feasting on the blood of the innocent.
Seconds Wooden Actor: I used to be just like you, then I called the Bong Water company. One of their friendly, courteous drivers delivers a fresh globe of tasty, crystal-meth-clear Bong Water to our office every morning now, and I've never felt better.
FWA: Gosh, such an obvious answer never occurred to me. The thought of drinking tap water is conceptually foreign to me so tell me more about this Bong Water company.
SWA: It's just like tap water, but it comes in a globule and they deliver it to your office. Sure, dollar for dollar it costs more than the blood of the innocent, but unlike tap water it doesn't pollute your precious bodily fluids with fluoride.
FWA: Golly, I'm going to call Bong Water Company today!
SWA: You'll be glad you did!
Or there is the father/daughter/son/monkey variety.
Father: Boy howdy, do we ever have a lot of surplus harpsichords down here at J.J.McLoser's Erotic Piano Emporium. I've got a splendid idea! Hand me that puppy, I'm going to put a gun to its head and kill it if we don't move twenty of these quality harpsichords in the next fifteen minutes.
Daughter: That's fucking lame, dad. I hope you get cancer and die so that I don't have to do these ads with you any more.
Father: That's my girl! Now get your asses down to J.J.McLoser's Erotic Piano Emporium or this puppy eats lead!.
Ads of the second and third type are depressingly similar. Read the following in a monotone, then read it again in an annoying sing-song voice to get a sample of both types (they don't actually say the italicized bits, but you can HEAR it):
Because there has been so much demand on the blood of the innocent lately COMMA there has never been a greater need for plasma donors PERIOD Donating plasma has never been more painless or easy COMMA thanks to modern developments in plasma extraction technology that allows a qualified technician to squeeze out plasma through the pores in your arms PERIOD Please visit a plasma centre near you COMMA PAGE FLIP where a friendly and competent Plasma Extraction Technician will gladly walk you through the safe COMMA relatively painless COMMA and easy process PERIOD Book your appointment today PERIOD Remember COMMA you can make a difference EXCLAMATION MARK
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no subject
Date: 2006-02-01 02:22 pm (UTC)I hate the overly pleasent, doped up housewife voice as much as I hate the way too chirpy female voice.
Radio commercials suck :P
You're not the only place feeling warm
Date: 2006-02-01 02:35 pm (UTC)http://www.aftenposten.no/english/local/article1207247.ece
no subject
Date: 2006-02-01 02:58 pm (UTC)I agree about the commercials, though I would propose Variant 3A, in which the ad begins with "Hi COMMA my name is #moderatelywellknownathelete COMMA from the #localsportsteam PERIOD..."